Compartmentalizing as a Caregiver

Genna here again.  Before we talk about this week’s topic, compartmentalizing as a caregiver, I want to recognize my fans, loyal readers, family, and everyone that makes it possible for me to write this blog.  So many people do not realize what goes into making this happen.  So, here is a big thank you from me and all the wonderful caregivers that we support- to you!  We cannot Thank YOU enough for all you do.   – XOXO Genna

Setting the Scene

Before we get into compartmentalizing it is important that you can envision some different caregiver scenarios. We’ve seen the ads; motherhood is blissful, time with aging parents is a cherished gift. Those things can be true, but, like life, they do not always feel perfect.

You guys, we have all been there. It does not matter if it is with a newborn, a loved one with long term illness, or a family member that we know may not have long left with us.  You put your time in at work. Then, come home to make dinner.  Next, do the dishes and laundry.  When everyone else gets to sit down for the night and relax, you get to go to take the night shift with your loved one.  Only to get up and do it all over again the next day.

Everyone’s Story Is Unique

There may be variations to this.  Maybe the night shift is with your cuddly newborn.  So, the lack of sleep is less noticed. Perhaps you don’t work outside the home, and your whole day exists within the same four walls as your home.  Maybe, just maybe, you are not only caring for an ill loved one but also your six children. Perhaps you have had to change your work schedule so that you can come home midday to care for your loved one. These are all viable scenarios that I see happen.

The thing is that in setting this scene, while unique to each person, this is a reality for so many of us.  We did not address the little things that life brings us. While we hope these things are always pleasant and enrich our lives and those around us – that is not always the case.  So, what do we do?  How do we, “Roll with the punches” or “go with the follow” as people say?

It’s in the Details

The details of the day can be significant. Let’s revisit the day of the caregiver that we reviewed earlier.  We didn’t go into the details.  We didn’t discuss that at work, this individual was written up for the last time.  She was late again because she had to pick up her ailing loved one’s dry cleaning.  Her loved one is sure that the only person that can wash the outfit right is the dry cleaner a half-hour from the house. So, to try and save the caregiver’s position with her job, she has started working through lunch to make up for the time missed and show how truly dedicated she is.  Then, after working late, she rushes to pick up a takeout order, from the only restaurant on the way home. Only to find out, when she gets home, that the restaurant forgot to leave the onions and mushrooms off the food- so none of the kids will eat the dinner she went out of her way to get.

Now Put Yourself In Her Shoes

Imagine that the above example was yours. You have had a long stressful day at work and are arriving home late. Once you are home you find that someone put a nerf gun bullet in the dishwasher before starting it last time, and you didn’t catch it.  So, now you cannot wash the dishes until you have time to peel all the melted nerf gun bullet out of the dishwasher (Thank goodness for metal drums in dishwashers.  If it had been plastic the nerf bullet would be a permanent fixture!)  You move on to the laundry, only to find out that you forgot to change it out yesterday and it smells horrible! (Yuck!) So, now you will rewash the load, but your kid’s Soccer Shirt may not be dry in time. Let’s hope it is.  Or, we all know, you child may not forgive you until the next catastrophe.  Life happens!  It just does.

We Have All Been There

While we all feel for this person and wish they could catch a break, we can relate.  We all have these days.  With time this season of the journey we are on will change.  Things will get better.  Even if this seems rough, we don’t want to wish away these moments.  There are good things to look for in them.  We will one day miss these moments.

When we are in the moment, though, how do we do it all?  How do we not just sit down in the middle of the floor where we are at and lose it all? I’m not going to lie to you.  We do!  It happens to everyone at some point.  It is normal.  We are human.  What matters is how you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.

How do you move on from the ugly crying disaster sitting Crisscross applesauce in the middle of the floor?  Initially, it’s not always easy.  The thing to know is it can be done!  Finish the cry, eat the chocolate, have the glass of wine.  No one will judge you- NO ONE.  In fact, a good friend would sit down on the floor next to you, maybe hug you, maybe cry with you but just be- be present.  (And they will eat just as much chocolate as you so that you don’t feel guilty about it!  They may even run to the store on the corner for refills.  No questions asked.)

Compartmentalizing: Looking to People that Excel in These Environments

To most successfully move forward when life’s journey is going in this direction we look to Medical staff and CEOS of major companies.  How does the Emergency Department Doctor transition from working on a very tragic case to he is being scrubbed out of that case and in the room two doors down telling the next patient they are expecting a new life, and it is going well in under 3 minutes.  How do they pull themselves together for that next patient?  They need to be fair to them and be fully present for both patients.  How does the CEO sign papers to dissolve the charitable arm of their corporation, that they love so much in one room.  Then, step into the next to firer an employee, the sole source of income for a family of eight.  Lastly, in the third room, discuss fourth-quarter profits, and how well the business is doing?

Compartmentalizing

Well, it’s not easy- even for them.  Know that not even someone with nerves of steel, that thrives in these environments can go at this intensity forever.  But they must do it and so do we.  The short answer is – they compartmentalize.  The long answer is, as we all know, they cannot do it forever without self-care!  They have to step away, catch a break, and regroup at some point. Or, they break.  Just like you and me.

The First Step in Compartmentalizing

The first step to any of this is realizing that your journey is getting a little intense.  This can be the hardest thing when we are in the mix of it. Head down, determined to keep going.  (Can I get an Amen!) But, when you are feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, depressed, tired, or just plain worn out- listen to your body. You are having these feelings for a reason.  Our bodies are smart.  They know what is going on.  They send us warning signs and symptoms when we are releasing stress hormones into our bodies.

The Second Step in Compartmentalizing

The second step is grounding.  This is not new-age hippie stuff.  This is real, and doctors, psychiatrists, and counselors will tell you about it.  Take a slow deep breath, maybe ten.  Think about what is going on.  Think of 3 real things that are going on?  Then, dig deep if you need to find three good things that are coming from this.

How Would Our Example Story Compartmentalize:

Three truths while deep breathing: The Caregiver could think to herself, “I did get written up at work, My kids won’t eat the expensive dinner that I paid for, and it is true that if I run my dishwasher again, it will permanently give off a plastic smell.”

Three positive things from all of this while deep breathing:  The dry cleaner called, and the outfit was so old it fell apart in the wash.  Perfect!  I no longer must drive there or deal with that outfit.  One thing off your ever-growing list.  Also, I won’t have to be late to work again, trying to make the last-minute dry cleaner run before work.  I really hate that job and needed a good push to look for a new job closer to home with better hours. (Complacency can be hard to overcome.) Even though you now had to make six peanut butter and jellies for dinner. Or, listen to a barrage of whining you were not ready for. You were able to absolutely gorge yourself on your favorite meal without the individual requests that really do change the final flavor.  Maybe the day isn’t half bad.  In fact, perhaps in the wash, it all turns out for the better. (Even if the wash may still smell bad because you forgot it.)

Now What?

So, you have given yourself a quick mental pep-talk- now what?  Give yourself a silent congratulations and Compartmentalize for success.  What?  You say- I though only some guys can do that?  Not true.  Everyone can do it.  You can even be successful at it. I’m not saying it will be easy. It may take a bit of practice to reach pro-level-status, like the ER Dr. and the CEO, but you can do it.

Isn’t Compartmentalizing a Bad thing?

You need to know that compartmentalizing is not a bad thing. We are not telling you to do this to the extreme with everything. Don’t compartmentalize yourself to the point of forgetting your anniversary.   We must respect our bodies and our boundaries.  But it is an excellent skill to have.

It is not only ok, but in many cases, it is considered best practice to keep work, home, and caregiving mentally separate.  It would not be your best plan to be caring for your loved one while thinking about how to get the melted nerf bullet out of the dishwasher.  You might forget how much morphine you gave your charge.  Or, you might not even remember IF you gave it period.  That would not be good.